I’ve never been the type of person to really see out the end of a year with much… pomp, circumstance, or ceremony.

The end of the year, like birthdays, or any other yearly milestone, has never really held much significance outside of any social occasions that may arise around it.

2026, however, feels different.

My 30th Year

2026 marks my 30th year on this planet. My 30th birthday has always been either:

• something I felt genuine dread towards, or
• something I felt like I’d never really reach.

I’ve been reflecting a lot more recently, and I feel like as I’ve gotten older, and as I’ve gotten more… successful… I’ve actually lost a little bit of myself – what made me, me – along the way.

Gifted & Talented

I’ve always been a little bit of an overachiever (through no fault of my own).

As a kid, I was deemed gifted & talented, and I was always expected to do well in school.

I wanted to make video games, so I taught myself to program. I wanted to be the smartest kid in my cohort, so… I was (I don’t know how I did it, but I pushed through).

I had strict parents, sure. They always wanted me to do well and provided the most opportunities they could for me, but they never pressured me to achieve anything I didn’t want to.

Heck, I’m even world class at a cherished video game I play competitively.

I ended up with straight A’s in school. I graduated with a first-class degree. I’ve had a successful career in tech.

By all accounts, I’ve done well for myself.

But I only recently realised why or how I managed to do all of that.

Natural Talent?

Growing up, I always thought I was just naturally talented.

I thought some people were just born smarter, more capable in some domain(s), more gifted than others.

And… maybe this is true. I still haven’t changed my mind on this, fully.

But I do feel like despite any quote unquote “natural talent” I may have had, something’s been different in my latest stage of life compared to my earlier years.

This… difference… is something that’s been gnawing at me for a while now and I think I’ve finally figured it out.

On Having Goals

When I was younger, I always had goals.

I don’t know why… heck, I don’t really understand why people have goals in the general sense, but I did have them.

I’ve already mentioned some of them, but here are a few key ones I remember having:

• I wanted to make video games.
• I wanted to be the smartest kid in class.
• I wanted to be the first person in my family to go to university.
• I wanted to own a house before I was 30.

These goals drove me. They motivated me. They pushed me to be better, to do more, to achieve more.

I didn’t really realise it at the time, but these goals became my personality. They defined who I was, and I lived them, truly.

I think somehow, along the way, I didn’t realise I was pursuing these goals with improvement in mind, with focus, with determination.

Somehow I came to the misconception that I was just good at things, that I was naturally talented, and that I didn’t need to work hard to achieve my goals.

At some point, I achieved the goals I had – the big ones, anyway – but I never really set new ones.

My wheels have been spinning ever since.

Being Complacent

Without goals to strive for, I’ve become complacent.

I don’t try particularly hard at much.

• As much as I enjoy my work, I don’t push myself to be better at it.
• As much as I enjoy programming, I don’t try to learn new tech.
• As much as I enjoy gaming, I don’t… really play much anymore.

I feel like I’ve lost a part of myself that was driven, motivated, and determined.

An apt analogy would be like the once-strong engineer who falls prey to the curse of LLMs and vibe coding, losing their edge and becoming a mere shadow of their former self.

An apt analogy would be like the person who “dislikes” a game because they’re not naturally good at it, rather than putting in the effort to improve and enjoy the process.

An apt analogy would be like being a cook who stops trying new recipes, new techniques, and new ingredients, and instead just sticks to the same old dishes they’ve always made.

I’ve fallen into a rut, into patterns of complacency, and upon reflection, I don’t like what I’ve become.

Being Unmotivated

Without goals to strive for, I’ve become unmotivated.

I don’t feel the drive to do much of anything, anymore…

Even in my free time, I’ve found the dopamine hits from social media, from watching junk TV, to doing god knows what else have become my replacement for genuine motivation.

In my complacency, I’ve become utterly unmotivated – okay with the status quo, okay with mediocrity, okay with just… existing.

But that’s not who I am, or rather, who I was.

Reclaiming Myself

So, as I approach my 30th year, I’ve decided to reclaim myself.

Maybe the dread I could never put into words was actually just a subconscious recognition about my lack of direction?

Well, whatever the case may be, I’m done with it.

I’m setting new goals, both big and small.

I don’t think that kid who worked so hard to achieve so much would be proud of the person I’ve become, and for whatever reason, I feel like I owe it to them to at least try to be worthy of the effort they put in.

The first step in reclaiming myself is to set new goals, and to set new goals, I need to figure out who I want to be.

Who I Am

I’m still fundamentally the same person I’ve always been.

I want to make video games. I want to play video games.

I want to be good, if not great, at what I do.

I’ve always found certain types of character archetypes appealing, and I think I identify with them in the aspirational sense. I love rogues, jack-of-all-trades, and self-made heroes.

I want to be that person. I want to carve out my own little path and niche in this world, and own it.

I want to be someone who is known for their skills, their talents, and their determination. I want to be someone who is respected, admired, and looked up to, even if not in a traditional “lawful good” sense.

I want to be someone who grows not just in the digital/intellectual sense, but also in the physical/emotional/spiritual sense. I want to be more well-read, more well-rounded, even fitter to boot.

I want to write better, speak better, and communicate better.

I want to give a damn again.

If this is who I want to be by, say, my 40th birthday, then I need to start working towards that now.

New Goals

So, here are some of the new goals I’ve set for myself, for 2026, split into three categories:

Fitness Goals

• Get to the lower end of a healthy weight for my height.
• Be less sedentary – walk more, move more, stretch more.
• Eat better – cook even more, eat less junk.

Technical Goals

• Learn a new programming language (Rust? Zig? Go?).
• Build and release at least one small game.
• Learn more deeply about the tech I already know.
• Migrate my blog to a self-hosted k8s cluster.
• Launch a side project that makes money.

Personal Goals

• Read at least one book a month.
• Write more – blog posts, journal entries, whatever.
• Make a dent in my thousands long backlog of games.
• Travel to at least one new country.
• Watch more films, and better films.

How I’ll Achieve Them

I don’t have all the answers yet, but I do know that the first step is to try.

Without having goals, I’ve not had a drive to improve, so the first step is to set those goals.

I’ve had a relatively comfortable life without much hardship or struggle, so I’m bad at being wrong.

This post isn’t for you. This post is for me.

It’s a reminder that I’ll be wrong if I don’t achieve these goals, and that isn’t me.

It’s a reminder to myself that I need to do better, to be better, to strive for more.

It’s a reminder that I need to reclaim myself, and that I need to start now.

2026 feels different. 2026 feels like a new beginning. 2026 is my year, for better or for worse.

Here’s to reclaiming myself in 2026.

vereis